As I scroll through my Instagram I keep seeing photo after photo of people posing with their wine and I can’t help but get itchy skin watching them holding their glasses wrong. Now, hear me out. I am not just being a snob here, there is a practical reason why you should hold your wine glass properly. And as it turns out, not many people know the correct way to hold a glass of wine is, so let me enlighten you so you can enjoy your vino even more.

First things first, what is the correct way to hold a glass of wine. The short answer is not like this (see Insta screen grabs on the right hand side)

For the record, a glass of wine should always be held at the stem, near the base between your thumb and fingertips. And here’s why:

Holding the glass by the bowl, or clasping it in your hands like it’s a cup of tea, will warm up the wine. A key aspect to savouring a glass of wine is to enjoy it at the right temperature. The average hand temperature measures at 17.7 degrees C. Wine however, even deep reds should be served at considerably chiller temperatures.

When wine gets too warm, its alcohol is emphasised, throwing it off balance and making it taste too boozy. This in tern makes all other flavours a bit flatter and lacklustre.

So unless you are sipping mulled wine on a Christmas market, you have no business keeping your glass of wine warm.

Half of the savour of the wine is in it’s aroma, which is why you see wine connoisseurs giving their glasses a swirl, inhaling and only then taking a sip. Holding the glass by the stem allows for a much more elegant and controlled swirl which in turn will unlock more of the wine’s aroma. Try doing the same motion while holding the bowl of the glass and you risk spilling it all over yourself.

Another thing worth mention here is that if you spray perfume on your wrists then you want to make sure that your hand is as far away from the wine as possible so that the aromas don’t mix. You want to inhale a breath of smooth and abundant wine, not a whiff of your D&G perfume.

Wine glasses are notorious for collecting fingerprints. Especially if you are sipping wine while on a soiree where you are not sitting down and you periodically pass your glass from one hand to the other. By the time you take your last sip your glass will look murky and covered in prints. Holding the glass by the stem avoids this.

So if you want to elevate your wine experience, both in terms of flavour, aroma and how you look while drinking, simply make sure you hold the glass by the stem.

There are practical reasons for changing the way you're gripping your glass, according to sommeliers.

You’ve been holding your wine glass wrong…

Abortion is a necessary medical procedure. There I said it.

It’s not something a woman does on a whim. It’s not something that’s ever undertaken lightly. It is a necessary procedure that allows women to live the lives they choose for themselves.

In the Unites States as of today, states will be able to decide for themselves if abortion is allowed and considering the vastly conservative ideals in some states, it comes as a disappointment yet no surprise that 25 out of the 50 states have already drafted bills that will make abortion under any circumstances illegal.

It means that a young girl who was raped by her uncle will be forced to carry to term regardless of the physical, emotional and mental trauma that the pregnancy would cause her.

It means that a woman who has an ectopic pregnancy (which is vastly agreed to be non-viable and life threatening) may be denied treatment since removing the foetus will now become a prosecutable crime.

It means that a woman who has just found out she’s pregnant during her cancer treatment may be denied life saving drugs as those may harm her foetus.

It means that a woman who is miscarrying risks the onset of life threatening infections such as sepsis because doctors can’t intervene while her dying baby still has a pulse.

It means that often times women will be forced to carry babies even though conditions like pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes may put their own lives at risk.

It means women will be forced to carry to term pregnancies even when they find out that the babies the are carrying will be profoundly disabled or win some cases won't even survive past infancy. 

It means that a woman who already has 4 children at home and no way of feeding another baby will be forced to bring up yet another child into the world.

I have the privilege to live in a country where abortion is a viable option for women. Where sex education and contraception are free and accessible. Yet today I mourn for my sisters who will have fundamental human rights and bodily autonomy stripped away.

I weep for the women who will be forced into a life altering situation and will remain voiceless. I weep for all those children who will be brought into this world where their moms won’t be able to provide for them, children with profound disabilities who have been born against their mom’s wishes… children who will grow up in low economic conditions perpetuating the never ending cycle of poverty.

This decision, this blanket ban on abortion will not save lives. It will not prevent abortions, it will only prevent the access to safe abortions.

I have never had an abortion myself but I know that there were stages in my life where if I found myself pregnant I know for a fact I would have sought medical termination. I know many women who have had the procedure performed. Some were not in the right place financially, some were with the wrong partner and some … just didn’t want another child. The reality is abortion is not a taboo or at least it shouldn’t be. It’s a medical procedure that one in five women has had performed. As of today however, in the States, abortion will become a crime. A back alley dirty little secret.

So I am angry and saddened for this turn of events. I am disappointed in the backward treatment of women. I am frustrated for those who will be backed into a corner to carry a baby they do not want.

Abortion is a fundamental human right and basic medical treatment. It should be legal and accessible. There is simply no conversation to be had around that. I don’t care what the bible or the Quran or any holy book says on the issues. I don’t care what religious affiliations people may have. The fact of the matter is that people should be allowed to decide for themselves.

If your ultra conservative catholic upbringing means you don’t take contraception and you disapprove of abortions that’s fine. Then don’t have one. But your choices, your ideals and your holy books should not dictate how millions of other women should live their lives.

As a woman, as a mother I insist that abortions should be legal. 

Motherhood is simply too important of a job to be forced on anybody.

On Abortion

‘So tell me about yourself’ – the single most dreaded interview question.

You sit down in the stiff chair across the table from your interviewer. You feel good about yourself. You are wearing your most professional outfit, not a hair out of place, you feel confident and prepared albeit a bit nervous. And then the first question they hit you with is ‘So tell me about yourself’. You sit there and for a good minute try to remember your own name while also trying to figure out what exactly it is the interviewer wants to know. You start to stutter, your palms get clammy, and you panic. Sounds familiar?

Having recently landed a new job (yay me!) I think I have managed to nail down to a T the formula for what hiring managers want to hear when they ask you that question.

So let me help you out and spill the tea on what it is you should actually say.

First things first. I think it goes without saying that when an interviewer asks you that question, they are not expecting your life story. They don’t care about how many siblings you’ve got, they don’t care that you have a dog that just turned 7, or that you like to play Animal Crossing in your free time. What the hiring managers is actually interested in finding out is what are you bringing to the table. So next time you hear the question ‘tell me about yourself’ make the mental switch to ‘what value are you brining to the company’.

Any answer you give, any statement you make should always link back to what's in it for them. For example, let's imagine you are interviewing for a job as a social media manager. The wrong answer to the question 'tell me about yourself' could sound a little something like this:

'Well, my name is Jess and I'm 33. I live in London and I love watching movies in my spare time. I love social media and marketing. I am on Facebook and Twitter all the time. I love TikTok and have 750 Instagram followers. I have always been into creating content for myself so I thought why not make a job out of it. I used to work for a small company as a social media manager and I really enjoyed it'

This is a shitty answer, yet an answer any unprepared person will most likely give. To answer the question properly. Think about the following statements you should include in your response:

Now let's compose an answer with the above statements.

'I am Jess and I am a Social Media manager. My background is in marketing and I specialise in creating compelling content for a variety of small and large clients. In my previous role I have been supporting both the sales and PR teams by creating promotional content for each individual platform. My strength is engaging with audiences and building a brand presence that resonates with customers. What I am looking for now is a company where I can add value, somewhere where I can grow and solve problems using my social media skills.'

You see the difference? The first answer is just blah. It's boring, it's a vague, it doesn't sell you. 

The second one however talks about your skills and experiences, highlights your strengths and informs them of your achievements. 

And that is it really. It's quite simple, isn’t it. Whatever job you are interviewing for, you can always use the template of My background is..., I specialise in..., My strength is... and What I am looking for is... to build a response that creates an amazing first impression of you as a candidate. 

After all we never get a second chance at making a first impression so make this one count. 

So next time you prepare for an interview, use this framework to build the best response possible. Then learn it, practice it, rehearse it. This should be something you feel comfortable saying and trust me, if you get this right you will feel like you've already nailed the interview so you will ooze confidence for the rest of the chat. 

Now go out there and land your dream job! You've got this.

How to answer the single post dreaded interview question: "so tell me about yourself"

So Tell Us About Yourself 

Nobody is coming to push you. Nobody is coming to come and encourage you to get up in the morning to go to the gym. Nobody is going to get you motivated. Nobody is going to do the handwork for you. It’s all you baby. Nobody is coming to save you.

I’ve hard this quote many times in the past and it always used to make me feel sad. What do you mean nobody is coming to save me? What about the people who live me and care about me?

Over time I’ve learned to accept the truth. It’s not that people won’t be around to help and support you, motivate you and help you, but ultimately your life and your fate are in your own two hands. And realising that is liberating.

You don’t need to wait on people to do the right thing by you. You don’t have to wait for others to do stuff for you. You and only you are in charge of your life. Fate is in your hands. It’s not luck. What we get in life is not what we deserve or don’t deserve. It’s what we’re willing to work for.

People often say ‘you deserve to be treated better‘. The reality is what you deserve or not, doesn’t really matter. You will be treated the way you allow to be treated.

‘You deserve a better job‘… A better job won’t come and find you, you have to decide to look for one and work on improving your skills to get the job that you want.

This has really opened my eyes about my own goals. If I want to earn more I will have to make it happen. My manager, as much as we have a fabulous working relationship, won’t come and offer me more money out of the goodness of his heart. I will have to go in there and negotiate for what I want. Alternatively, I will have to find a different job. It’s not a matter of what I think I deserve, it’s what I’m willing to work for.

Similarly, I have certain fitness goals and as much as I want someone to motivate me to achieve them, it’s all down to me. I have to wake up an hour early to go to the gym. I have to make better food choices. I have to push myself in the right direction every day.

And while it’s always helpful to have someone on your side to cheer you on and make sure you stay on track, ultimately it’s all down to the individual. It’s me who has to get my life in order. It’s me who has to work hard for my goals and the life that I want. It’s me who has to show up and root for myself. It’s me who’s on my team.

Nobody is Coming To Save You

Motherhood has such a profound impact on body image. One moment you feel like a deflated balloon and the next you feel like a goddess who has created life and is now oozing sex appeal and confidence.

After going through a long and arduous period of feeling the former, I am now happily rejoicing in living the latter. I feel great. In fact I feel better than great, I feel invincible.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have low moments. Things are far from perfect but I am working on it. I make better food choices, I drink my water, I exercise… but I don’t do this because I hate my body and I am desperate to change it. No, my motivation comes from a place of love and compassion. I feel awe and admiration for this body of mine that has managed to grow and birth my beautiful son. The same body who nourished him exclusively for 10 whole months. The body who has survived on minimal sleep and has been pushed to the edges of madness and exhaustion. This body… wow. This body is amazing. And it deserves to be taken care of.

I deserve to be taken care of. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I deserve to eat good nutritious food. I deserve to carve the perfect version of my body through exercise. I deserve to relax wholly. I deserve this.

And let me tell you something, when you shift your perspective and you look at yourself from this stance, amazing things begin to happen. You begin to love yourself, truly and deeply. You begin to treat yourself better and you begin to expect others to treat you better. Other people’s opinions become background noise, an easily ignored hum. When you focus on you, you grow.

So go and grow, feel amazing. You deserve it.

Motherhood and Body Image

Job hunting could be an incredibly tedious and stressful task. You send so many emails, apply on numerous sites, ring up recruiters yet you feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Could it be that you’re CV just isn’t doing its job? Could it be that it’s just not strong enough?

I’ve spent countless hours perfecting my CV. It has evolved as I have evolved in my jobs and grown my career.

So to save you some headaches and boost your employability chances, here are some things you should try and avoid when working on your CV.

FOCUSSING ON DUTIES RATHER THAN ACHIEVEMENTS

Employers and recruiters don’t care about what you’ve been doing day to day in your previous roles. What they do want to know is what you’ve achieved. Focus on the problems you’ve solved, the improvements you've made and the issues you’ve tackled. Think of successful campaigns, new procedures, sales increase and the specific value you contributed in your current and previous roles. All in all, you should be talking about the impact you’ve made more so than your daily duties.

That’s a big no-no. I get it, you want to come across as someone who has the right skills for the job, and then maybe once hired, you’ll acquire those skills. But trust me, being anything other than 100% truthful about your skills, knowledge and experience will come back and bit you in the ass.

The amounts of times I’ve had people tell me that they’ve interviewed someone who has ‘proficient in WordPress’ on their CV only to be given a task during the interview and stare at the laptop blankly (yes, it’s now standard practice to give someone a task during the interview to see how they perform). Imagine being the person who’s meant to be a pro and then you just sit there not knowing what to do. It’s embarrassing. More than that, it’s humiliating! Just don’t do it!

I have applied for jobs where I don’t have all the right skills, but being truthful about it and saying things like ‘I’m open to learning’, ‘I pick up new skills on the fly easily’ will more than makeup for whatever skills I didn;t have.

You think ‘fancy and sophisticated’, a recruiter thinks ‘difficult to read and unnecessary’. I know you’re trying to stand out and show a bit of personality but ultimately your CV has to be easy to read. Make sure the fonts are not too out there. The sizing and spacing should allow for the information to fit on the page neatly, yet be easy to scan with your most important accomplishments being easy to spot.

Most businesses now keep CVs on file and search for keywords when looking to sift through the many CVs during the first stages of recruitment. Having those crucial buzzwords in your CV could be critical. And I don’t mean words like ‘ambitious’ and ‘team player’ but specific skills. If you’re applying for a Project Management role, for example, try to shy away from ‘fluffy’ terms like ‘project coordinator’ or ‘miracle maker’. Instead, be pragmatic and call it as it is. A good way to see which words you should be using is to go on LinkedIn and see what keywords and skills appear for jobs in your industry. Then make sure to include those in your CV.

A poorly worded CV or one with many grammatical and spelling mistakes is just about the worst thing you could to sabotage your chances for success. Run it through Grammarly and ask a friend to give it a once over for you. Your CV is how you first present yourself to potential employers. You don’t want to be the person who can’t spell. Trust me, those people don’t get hired.

This may sound tedious, particularly if you’re applying for a bunch of different roles all at once, but this is literally one of the best things you could do to improve your chances of getting hired. Read through the job ad carefully and pick up certain keywords and phrases and then try to incorporate those in your CV. Once you’ve done that your CV will present you as the ideal candidate for the role. This is particularly important if you’re applying for a job you really really want. Taking the time to tailor your CV and include words and phrases that resonate with the employer is a really good way to improve your chances of getting to an interview stage.

So there you have it, a list of 5 faux pas you should absolutely avoid. It’s always worth spending a bit of time and getting your CV right. It literally pays off to do it!

And if you are successful and your improved CV has helped you secure an interview, check out my blog post on nailing a job interview.

Your Career - 5 Common Mistakes that are Sabotaging Your CV

If you scroll through my iPhone’s photo album you will see pictures of my son. Hundreds, nay thousands of them. Photos of him sleeping, photos of him playing, photos of him smiling and photos of him with his face smothered in avocado. Not a day has gone by since he’s been born when I haven’t taken a photo and a video of him. I am obsessed with him. I know all parents think their child is the prettiest but mine is objectively a cute little cherub. Only you wouldn’t have seen his face. Not many people have.

Even before he was born, my husband and I agreed that we will not share his face on social media. A bold and controversial choice given that we’re both obsessed with Twitter and Instagram (unhealthily so). We are both quite active on these apps, having shared the mundane and extraordinary parts of our lives for years. Trips we have taken, the day we eloped, our pregnancy journey. But when it comes to our son’s face, you will not see it anywhere. We have shared the occasional Instagram story with close friends showing his face but only because those disappear after 24 hours.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of my son and I am tempted to share his cute little face every day, but as more and more parents today we opt not to. And there is a number of reasons why.

The most obvious one is privacy. Privacy is so hard to come by in today’s digital world. I am part of the last generation that has grown up during a time when our many mistakes and embarrassments will only live on as stories told by close friends or photos in dusty albums shoved in our parent’s desks. My son by comparison will grow up in a world where every move of his, everything he does and says will most likely leave a digital footprint that he can’t erase. That is the simple reality and if I could prolong the time he has to appear in the digital domain, then I will.

I am also a bit iffy about exploiting his cute face for likes. Because let’s face it, that’s what social media is all about. Flaunting the best bits of your life and I just don’t feel I could do that to him. To share his childhood, our most precious and intimate moments with strangers. I don’t want random people to know who my son is and what he looks like. There are too many creeps out there.

And I don’t want to limit his possibilities in the future by having photos circulated around of him naked in the bath. Lately there have been so many photos for example of young children wearing slogan t-shirts with anti-vaxx messages or messages calling COVID-19 the Chinese virus and questioning basic science. This child doesn’t have the choice or understanding to disagree with their parents’ political statements and ideologies. How will they feel about being used as political statements on their parents’ Facebook pages? No, I refuse to do that to my kid.

I also don’t want my child to be bullied in the future. Kids are mean and I don’t want to give them ammunition. What if let’s say 10-12 years from now one of his class mates finds a photo go him showing his poop explosion as a newborn, or a photo in the bath showing his private parts. Whether your child cares about old photos and stories about them on social media, others may be able to use that information to make fun of, insult, and even bully your child as he or she grows older. What’s to stop a peer from sharing a photo that your child finds embarrassing with his or her own networks? What if that share catches on? It doesn’t take much for a photo to go from an inside family joke to gossip fodder for an entire high school. If you could prevent this from happening, why wouldn’t you?

Even though all of these points make sense to us, it’s still not been an easy thing to enforce. Every time I see his cute face I am full of mama bear pride and want to show the world, but I have to catch myself and remind myself of the reasons we keep our son’s life private. We also have to police our family’s behaviour and tell people that it is in fact not okay to share our child’s face on social media.

Childhood and Digital Privacy - Why we don’t share our son’s face on social media 

We’ve been conditioned to think that talking about money is impolite and improper. Vulgar even. But is it really? I mean we talk about our health and sex lives, infertility and even our anxieties and depression so openly. Why is the subject of money still shrouded in so much mystery?

With so many of us struggling financially, crippled by debt and unable to afford to put even one toe on the property ladder, talking about money is critical. I have already spoken extensively about how to manage your finances at home with your partner. 

Click here to read about how to manage your finances jointly as a couple.

Today however I want to talk about your income and more specifically, your salary. For most of us the main source of income is our salary so being able to talk about what we bring in is important.

I know, I know, this is a bit of a tricky subject. The whole subject of money is touchy to say the least, couple that with the current unstable political climate where businesses feel a tad uncertain, makes asking for a pay increase sound ludicrous. As if that wasn’t enough, there is the whole woman issue. You see, when it comes to salary negotiations, women are faced with a unique set of challenges.

, (if you haven’t read that book I highly recommend you pick up a copy immediately!) women ask for a pay rise just as often men, unfortunately they simply don’t get it as often. Women only got a pay rise 15% of the time compared to men who got the desired amount 20% of the time. It may not sound like much, but over a lifetime it adds up.

So here’s a quick guide to salary negotiation for the professional woman.

Us women, we tend to undervalue ourselves. I read somewhere that when men and women read a job ad, and they both only match about 40% of the criteria, women tend to think that they are under qualified and don’t apply while men go for it and apply anyway, believing that their current set of skills will make up for the ones they don’t have. We suffer from Imposter Syndrome more often than our male colleagues and we tend to attribute our successes to luck or the right circumstances instead of admitting the truth which is - we worked bloody hard for what we’ve got.

It’s logical really, if you don’t believe it in your core that you’re worth more, how can you possibly convince someone else? So here’s what you should do:

 - Don’t just go in there wanting more money but not really knowing how much more. That just seems like you’re asking for a raise on an impulse. Instead, prepare. 5% increase? 10%? £5k per annum? What is a realistic figure for your current role and something you know your business can afford?

 - Degrees and diplomas, professional accreditations and rewards.

 - Don’t expect people to remember that one time you went above and beyond on a project or you absolutely smashed a deadline. Make a list of all the times you succeeded at work. Maybe there was a really tricky project that you managed to deliver on time and within budget? Maybe you managed to bring a client on board that is worth a lot of money? Maybe you completely transformed an internal process which made your team more efficient? Make a list and bring it in.

Show what else you will bring to the table

 - When negotiating remuneration, men tend to be judged on their achievements to date while women tend to be judged on future performance. So make sure you list a number of areas where you will improve, improve your team or future projects you will work on. Bosses love it when you talk about how you’d improve a department. It shows commitment to the business and commitment to the job as well.

Being confident and assertive in your everyday activities will make a positive impact on your managers. We tend to perceive confident people as more knowledgeable and skilful. After all, doesn’t assertiveness stem from the fact that you know your stuff and you know the right way to do something?

Therefore developing an assertive demeanour is key step to paving the way for your salary negotiation.

 - I tend to say ‘sorry’ about a million times a day so now I am actively trying to change. No more ‘sorry to bother you’ when I want to speak to someone. Instead I say ‘Do you have a moment to talk? Is now a good time for a quick word?’. ‘Can you repeat that last part please?’ instead of ‘Sorry, can you say that again’. Trust me, small changes make a big difference.

 - I am so shocked every time I see grown ass men and women, who are quite high up the career ladder mind you, failing to own up to their mistakes. People who blame others or try to wriggle out of responsibility for a mistake just look untrustworthy and unprofessional. Whenever I make a mistake I am the first one to put my hand up and say, ‘that’s my bad’. Don’t wait for people to point the finger at you, just own it. But that’s not enough, be prepared with a plan of action on how you’d fix it. Everybody makes mistakes, but admitting to them and actively trying to fix them, shows a level of responsibility that people appreciate.

 - Asking for feedback shows your employer readiness and willingness to improve but it also shows that you’re unafraid of criticism. Commit to improving early on and then in your actual salary negotiating meeting make a point of showcasing the progress you’ve made based on their feedback and suggestions.

Depending on individual circumstances, you may not get what you’re asking for. As I mentioned at the beginning, the success rate is 20% at best (and that’s if you’re a man!). Even with all the preparation, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Maybe there’s no money in the budget or maybe the time isn’t right. Whatever the reason, being told ‘no’ isn’t the end of it.

 - You’ve already made your case, and you certainly deserve some kind of compensation. Maybe that can be in the form of something beyond your salary? How about better equipment? You can make the point of how much more efficient you would be with a new laptop. Or maybe you can help the wider team by getting some more training? Whatever it is, be prepared to ask for something that wouldn’t cost your employer as much but it will still leave both of you satisfied with the outcome of the meeting.

 - The worst thing you can do is leave the meeting without a rise and without a plan of action for the future. If your boss says no to a raise, ask what you could do to get there and also scheduled a meeting for a few months in the future to discuss again. Maybe they have some specific suggestions on areas where you could improve your performance. If so, take those on board and schedule a follow up meeting to re-evaluate in 6 months time.

 - Money is no joke and at the end of the day good people leave good business often because they feel undervalued. If so, don’t be afraid to voice that. Be honest with your manager that you will wait for X amount of months and revisit again, but ultimately unless your figure is matched, you will look for other companies. You’re either too good and they would do anything to keep you, or they really don’t think you’re worth more in which case maybe it is time to update your CV and look for a company that will be happy to support your growth and professional development while also being able to pay you the right amount.

I have personally used the above techniques when negotiating my salary and so far my success rate has been quite high. So be prepared, be confident and ask for what you’re worth.

Your Career: A Woman’s Guide To Salary Negotiation

Why can’t women just be the boss? Why do we have to be Lady Boss or Girl Boss?

Let me get one thing perfectly clear, I am all for female empowerment. I support my sisters in their pursuit in whatever role they want in life, be it as an employee, an entrepreneur, a stay at home mom or anything in between. What I do not support however, is this Girl Boss/Lady Boss obsession I have seen take over social media lately.

I’ve been seeing these terms (and subsequent off-shoots) everywhere... #GirlBoss #BossBabe #EntrepreneHER, #momtrepreneur, #She-EO. Women of every age and background picked up the moniker and ran with it. And it makes my blood boil.

So what is my issue with the whole Boss Babe idea. Well, the way I look at it, it’s degrading, While it claims to be empowering women the phrase 'Girl Boss' and all its derivatives, only 

perpetuates the stereotype that a regular boss is by default a man and a woman in power is therefore a lady boss.

 It’s like saying a woman doctor, woman prime minister, or a lady pilot and lady lawyer instead of just doctor, prime minister, pilot, lawyer. It’s ridiculous!

To qualify the term boss by adding girl or babe or honey or pink or whatever other ridiculous, antiquated-gender role assignment the media thinks is cute this month, is at the least disrespectful and at the worst, damaging to the way young women view themselves and our fight for equality in the business world. And the worst part is? Women lean into this and think that it’s cute and empowering. It is not.

It actually stops female leaders being taken seriously I think.

 Girl boss, momtrepreneur, lady boss, any term they can come up with like that infantilises grown ass woman. It’s damn right offensive, not cute or motivational. You are not a girl, you are a grown ass woman.

You are a boss, period. Not a lady boss or girl boss

. You are an entrepreneur who happens to be a parent, not a momtrepreneur. You’d never call a man who starts a business as a dad-preneur, it’s absurd. And it’s not just me who feels that way. 

Not so long ago a Girl boss advert got banned for stereotyping after a number of people complained

Why I hate the term Lady Boss (and why you should too)

Breastfeeding is easily the most natural thing and at the same time it is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

The more advanced we get as a society, the more we lose touch with the basics. When we all used to live together, whether in caves or villages, we were raised watching our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and sisters do their thing. Birth was a natural part of life and breastfeeding wasn’t hidden away in back rooms or under colourful shawls. We learned by watching from an early age and if we struggled as a mom, well granny was always around to briskly show us how to get on with it.

Today however, today things are a bit more complex. Moms are being scolded for breastfeeding in public, we are told that breast is best, yet support for moms is hard to get by. And don’t get me started on how much harder it is to find help during a global pandemic when the hospital feeding team only offer Zoom calls and all peer support groups have been cancelled.

And while I have always been of the persuasion that fed is best (having been exclusively formula fed myself) I knew from the moment I got pregnant that I want to breastfeed. For me breastfeeding has always been this beautiful and almost sacred moment between a mother and her child. The way they connect, the way they lock eyes and just share this bond. I knew this something I wanted to do while also acknowledging that it will be hard. So I tried to prepare (as prepared as one can be). I watched videos, I discussed it with my midwife, signed up for an NCT course and while all of that was useful information, it was like learning to swim from your living room, not quite the same as the real thing.

When Ezekiel was born, nobody really showed me how to get him to latch. In theory, I knew the basics but when the child is actually in your arms and you try to shove a nipple in his mouth, it all comes down crashing. And of course it’s such a new sensation that you don’t really know if the discomfort is just your body getting used to this new sensation, or something is wrong.

We came home and our breastfeeding journey began. Boy was it a rocky start. I struggled for the whole first month. He wouldn’t open his mouth wide enough, he would munch on my nipple instead of feeding from the whole breast, he was getting frustrated and so was I. My nipples were sore, cracked and covered in blisters and instead of me looking forward to feeding him, I was dreading it.

No amount of Lanolin and nipple shields helped. I cried, he cried, Axl felt helpless and even though I knew there was always the formula route, I just didn’t want to admit defeat. I didn’t want to give up and in a way I felt like using formula, I would be letting Ezekiel down.

So I decided that enough is enough and reached out for help.

Firstly I tried looking at videos online but that wasn’t much help. I found that most of the women in those videos had these average sized breasts and perky nipples which made latching much easier. My body and my breasts however don’t look that way. I am rather well endowed in the chest area which means that my nipples point south, I can’t see how Ezekiel is latched, and I have to support my breast during the feed or else I risk suffocating my child. I was desperate for someone to watch me breastfeed and then tell me everything I was doing wrong, correct my hold and my posture and fix the issues.

Unfortunately, because of COVID all face-to-face appointments were out of the question. The infant feeding team at the hospital where I gave birth didn’t want to me to go in because of potential exposure to the virus so instead I recorded videos which I shared with them on WhatsApp and they responded with some tips and advice. I was also put in touch with the National Breastfeeding Network who gave me a call and discussed my particular circumstances and the shape of my breasts and gave me practical tips on how to improve the latch.

This wasn’t my ideal scenario but thanks to the patient and knowledgeable lactation specialists and thanks to my perseverance, we are now in a much better place. Don’t get me wrong, breastfeeding is still no walk in the park for me, and I still struggle occasionally with Ezekiel’s latch on my right breast, but for the most part, we are in a much better position and feeding time is no longer something I dread.

So here are some of the tips that I was given that I found super useful to get the baby in the right position:

 - this is the order of importance when you breastfeed. You may think that the boob is first but it’s the last thing really. Think about it, the baby doesn’t just eat from the breast, he eats for the mom. This means that however you are positioned, the baby will adapt to your body and then latch to the breast. This is why it’s important that mom sits somewhere comfortable, use pillows and cushions for support if needed. You will be stuck in this position for good half an hour so make sure you are comfy. then get the baby and position him in the right place, hold him in a way that is comfortable so you don’t feel the need to move once he’s feeding. And then once you’re both comfy, introduce the breast and the little one will know what to do. At the beginning I was so focussed on just getting the nipple into his mouth completely disregarding my own comfort which resulted in both of us feeling strained. Now I know better.

 - At the beginning when I was in pain, I would just try to soldier through it so that Ezekiel feeds and we can just get it over and done with. That was a mistake. Continuing with a painful feed will one, wreck your nipples and two, teach the baby a bad habit. Instead, whenever you feel pain or discomfort, pop your pinky in the baby’s mouth to break the seal, take your nipple out, reposition and reset.

 - For my large chested sisters out there, hold your boob like a burger and offer it to the baby this way. That takes some of the weight off and helps the baby breath. Also, if your nipples are pointing south, try folding a muslin and popping it under your breast. It will lift it up and your nipple will be facing forward instead of downwards.

 - Don’t treat your breast like a bottle, meaning holding it and offering it to the child. Instead, get comfy and get the baby closer to the breast. Let him root and find the nipple himself, trust me you get a much better and more comfortable latch this way.

These tips really helped me turn a corner and made me fall in love with breastfeeding my son. Hopefully this will help you too.

After all, breastfeeding is 90% determination and 1% milk production.

Ultimately, do what you can but if none of this works for you, remember that formula is fine too and won’t make you any less of a mother. Breast isn’t best, fed is best. A happy mom and happy baby is best.

Lessons in Breastfeeding

Many companies seem to think that children only have mothers. We talk about ‘maternity leave’ and ‘flexi-time for working moms’ but what about the dads?

Well, in the UK dads are entitled to 2 weeks paid parental leave from work. 2 weeks to be with your child, 2 weeks to bond and help mom recover, 2 weeks to learn to be a dad before you need to go back to your 9 to 5.

And that is of course if you are lucky enough to have had a straightforward and uneventful labour and mom and baby come back home straight away. Because

there are cases where mom and baby need to stay in the hospital for a few days at which point dad is at home alone not even enjoying life as a parent.

I’ve always believed that dads deserve just as much time off work to enjoy parenthood as moms, but since becoming a parent that idea has really cemented in my mind. With COVID 19 completely throwing off our normal routines, I have been shocked and appalled how my husband has been treated as a second class citizen when it comes to parenthood.

He wasn’t allowed to come along to antenatal appointments. When I was in labour, he was only allowed to come to the hospital after I was 4 cm dilated (which meant I spent about 8 hours labour in the hospital by myself) and now that our beautiful son is here, he’s only allowed 2 weeks off work.

Right now, as I feed and bathe our son, and change nappies, dad is working. The silver lining of COVID is that Axl working from home so he’s never really too far away but that isn’t the case for many dads out there. As I struggle cluster-feeding our 3 week old baby at night, instead of asking for help, I have to be considerate that he has work in the morning. And as much as he wants to help and be available to us, the truth is, I have to be mindful that from 9am till about 6pm, Monday to Friday, daddy is working and we can’t disturb him.

How is this fair to Axl, to me or to our son? Dad needs time with his son, baby needs time with his father and i need at least 10 mins a day away from the baby to shower.

And this isn’t just the UK. Globally, paternity leave isn’t really a thing. Even today, child rearing is mainly considered a woman’s job which is why paternity leave is pretty much non existent as a concept. Worse even, when paternity leave is offered by a company, the pressures on men not to take it are often extreme. Some new dads have been fired, demoted and lost job opportunities for doing so.

Toxic stereotypes which see women as the caregivers and men as the breadwinners are the reason why moms struggle at home alone, while dads are denied the bonding experience of taking care of their child. But it isn’t easy to stand up to the pressures against taking paternity leave and demanding greater flexibility for working dads. With a new child in the home, things are hectic — and, in most cases even pre-COVID, money is tight. The last thing dads can do is risk their jobs and careers.

So what can we do to change this toxic environment?

Advocate for paternity leave, speak to your managers and superiors, raise the issue to decision makers

When offered time off work, please take advantage and take it! If you are entitled to 2 weeks, take the damn time off.

Speak up and normalise the idea that dads are parents too, that they don’t just babysit their offspring but rather they are just as important as moms and need to be present in their kids’ lives.

Making the case for paternity leave

I’m a mom. Wow that sounds weird to say and type. Almost can’t believe it!

Our son Ezekiel Crawford came into our lives on a snowy January morning after a pretty intense 24 hours of labour.

He is perfect (even though the birth itself wasn’t) and we’re besotted with the little cherub we now have in our arms. Almost makes me forget how we got here.

Firstly I want to tell you about the birth that I had planned.

Just like most first time moms, I really wanted a natural, unmedicated and fairly holistic birth experience. I wanted to give birth in a midwife led unit, floating in a pool, with dimmed lights, gentle music, some aromatherapy and maybe some gas and air if I felt like the pain got too much.

I still very much want to experience that.

Unfortunately around my 36 weeks antenatal appointment my midwife picked up some trace protein in my urine. Fairly harmless, I was reassured, but because my mom had preeclampsia they wanted to keep a closer eye on things. I started getting regular blood and urine tests as well as my blood pressure measured multiple times a day.

My bloods and BP were always spot on but the PCR in my urine fluctuated which is why I was told that the birth I had planned for, the unmedicated one in a pool in a midwife led unit was now out of the question and unless I go into labour soon, I were to be induced. I hated that. The worst of it was the fact that in myself I felt absolutely fine. He was moving and growing every day so why were they telling me I can’t have the birth I want and instead have to be induced.

Because I tried so desperately to avoid induction, I requested a membrane sweep in an attempt to get things moving along naturally. First time my midwife tried it, I was 38 weeks and 5 days however due to my cervix being nowhere near in the mood, she couldn’t do a sweep as I was not at all dilated. A few days later we tried again and this time I was 1.5cm dilated so we did a sweep. The sweep itself wasn’t that bad at all. The midwife who performed the procedure was so gentle and talked me through it. When she said ‘and I am feeling baby’s head now’ I nearly started crying. I felt like I was approaching the moment i was going to meet my son.

I felt so motivated that this would work. The next day I lost my plug and was thinking ‘this is it… today is the day’. Turns out that day wasn’t in fact 

. I had not a single contraction and if anything, my Braxton Hicks which have been slowly ramping up over the last few days had ceased altogether. That evening I had little cry on my husband’s shoulder. I felt like this baby was never getting out.

That evening we went to bed as usual. I woke up at 00.10am to go to the bathroom. As I sat up in bed I felt this huge gush of water coming out of me. And then another one. And then another one. ‘My water just broke’ I told Axl with a shaken voice. He leaped out of bed and got some towels and incontinence pads to lay down by the bed. ‘It won’t stop gushing out of me’ I said.

Eventually I made my way to the bathroom where I took a shower. We went to the kitchen to call the hospital and tell them my waters have gone. They asked to see me right away to make sure the water were clear. I started to get dressed shakily. It’s such a weird thing, you know. I was pregnant for 9 months, I was doing everything I could to get this baby out yet the moment your waters go it hits you… ‘I am having a baby, It’s actually happening’. I was in a bit of a shock and I know so was Axl so we had a moment where we just looked at each other, hugged and said ‘we’re having a baby’.

At this point there were still no contractions but I knew they were about to start. We went to the hospital where I got quickly checked and told all looks good, I should go home, labour there for as long as I could and get the hospital only when the pain was unbearable.

Well, let me tell you this, the pain went from ‘is this a contraction?’ to utterly unbearable real quick. By the time we got home from he hospital they were 4-5 mins apart and 40-50 seconds long. The app we used to track surges kept telling me to get myself to the hospital but how could I, when I’ve just been sent back. So I did everything I knew I could do to take my mind off the pain. I used a TENS machine (which helped immensely!), I took 2 paracetamol which could as well have been tic tacs, and I stayed in the shower letting hot water run down my back.

This all worked for a total of 6-7 hours. At around 8am I was in so much pain I begged my husband to call his soon to be brother-in-law to give us a lift to the hospital. Patrick came right away (thanks Patrick, I owe you a great debt!) and between surges and huffing and puffing we took ourselves back to the hospital.

I got checked and I was still only 1.5cm dilated. That was like as slap in the face! I was in labour for hours, my contractions were coming strong and fast yet I hadn’t progressed at all. Axl wasn’t allowed in at this point so him and Patrick went back home while I was left to labour in triage hooked to a monitor. The next few hours that followed were the most excruciating in my life. I was screaming in pain, begging for someone to give me something for the pain. Anything really, just make it stop. They gave me a 

 which did nothing. They were actually quite surprised at the fact that the medication did literally nothing for me and didn’t even take the edge off. I got checked and I was 3.5cm.

At that point moved me to a different ward where I was given a room of my own. That’s when I got my first shot of pethidine. All my reservations for pain medication were out the window and all I wanted was to not be in pain. The pethidine worked for a bit and I was able to have little nap. Having not slept at all and with rather intense labour so far, I knew that getting my strength back would be great for when it came to pushing the baby out. At around 3pm I got checked again and I was 5cm dilated. Yes, I thought to myself, progress! We’re halfway there.

I got moved to labour ward and was told Axl can join me. At that point I felt this huge sense of relief. I was progressing, I was about to be reunited with Axl which I feel was the biggest pain relief ever and to top it all off, my midwife who has been doing my antenatal care for the last few months asked to swap shifts so she could be with me. I felt like I was in the right place, surrounded by the right people and ready two meet my baby.

The next few hours were spent high on gas and air.

Unfortunately I wasn’t progressing fast enough and since they were worried my water has been broken for ages yet the baby wasn’t descending, they advised we try to syntocinon to help move things along. So here we are, in full labour yet I still need to be induced. Fuck it, I thought, let’s do what it takes to get the baby out.

My midwife said that once syntocinon is administered the contractions ramp up quite quickly so maybe now is the time to consider an epidural. I said no, which I now regret and said let’s just try pethidine again. So we did. Between that and the gas and air, I felt good for a while. The contractions did pick up pace quite quickly and I felt like there were back to back with no rest in between. It’s okay I thought couldn’t be long now.

8pm came however, and my midwife said here shift was coming to an end so she had to pass us to her colleague. I was a bit sad to see her go as I felt we had a connection, she knew me and she new what I wanted. I felt safe in her hands and now I had to be passed on to another person in such a delicate situation. I felt sad and deflated but what am I going to do? Not much choice but to carry on.

A few more hours of labouring followed and as the pethidine started to wear off I found myself in excruciating pain again. I caved and asked for the epidural. My dilation got checked again because if I was close to the end then there was no time for epidural. It turns out that the past 6 hours of labour have resulted in me dilating only 1cm and I was now 6cm. The anaesthetist came and what followed was a very uncomfortable 40mins. I had to stay still for him to put the channeller in my back however that proved rather hard with back to back contractions. They had Axl hold me still and eventually managed to insert the epidural.

Just as they did that, at about 10pm a more senior doctor came to check on me and my progress. They checked me again and announced that things aren’t looking too good. With my membranes ruptured for nearly 24 hours now there was an increased risk of infection. I wasn’t dilating any further at all, the baby wasn’t descending, his heart rate was creeping up which indicated distress and also he was getting a bit of swelling on his head…

Axl and I were both in shock yet we knew what was coming. They recommended an emergency caesarean to get the baby out. What followed was a moment of daze and confusion. We were given a quick run down of the risks of c-section (bleeding, rupture of surrounding organs, damage to my pelvis, potential risk of hysterectomy, hemeoraging and harm to the baby in the process). The anaesthetist came back and said they’ll give me a much stringer drug for the procedure. I was given a consent form to sign, Axl was told to get our bags and we were wheeled to the operting theatre. It all happened so fast.

Next thing I know I am laid on a table with people working around me. Scared doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt. Scared of what’s to follow, scared if the baby will be okay, scared of all the things that could go wrong… I just wanted it to be over.

The team in the OR were really good at making me feel at ease, they explained what I would feel and that they will only go ahead with the incision once they knew I was numb. Whether from the drugs, nerves or the cold OR all I could do was shake uncontrollably, and pray it would all be over soon. That’s when Axl came in and I felt this huge sense of relief again. Looking at him in full scrubs and a face mask all I could think about was ‘I can see the terror in your eyes, I am scared too’ and also ‘damn boo you look sexy in scrubs’

The surgery began. I felt nothing but pressure and my body being moved around like a rag doll. I just kept staring at Axl’s eyes and waiting to hear a baby cry. At one point the anaesthetist said they were taking the baby out and I remember asking ‘does he have hair?’. He smiled and said ‘I won’t spoil it for you, just wait’ and that’s when we heard it… the cry. On 26th Jan, at 00.13am, 24 hours almost to the minute after my water broke my son was born. He was showed to us briefly and taken to be wrapped up. Not even a minute later he was on my chest and I was in floods of tears finally holding my son. I held him for a bit and then asked for him to be passed to Axl. He took him in his hands and for the first time in what felt like forever I felt a huge sigh of relief. I spent the rest of the surgery looking at my husband and my son and admiring how perfect they are together. Axl, calm and confident with the baby and our son, so perfect, so tiny, staring at him in awe.

Axl and the baby went away to get him checked and weight, while I was closed up.

We then got moved to recovery where we slowly started to make sense of what just happened. I was numb and couldn’t move so Axl had the honours to put a nappy on the baby, get some skin and get him dressed in his first outfit. We spent some time together and taking in the beauty of our son and the craziness of the past 24 hours.

And just like that, we were a family of 3.

So there you gave it folks… my labour and birth story. Axl remarked that looking back at my birth plan, we ended up doing everything we said we didn’t want. From medication, to induction, to c-section and intervention. But here are the lessons I learned as a result.

Have your birth plan but be open to that going out the window at any given point

Things could change very dramatically very quickly

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