August 6, 2020
Guess what, Axl and I are having a baby!
It doesn’t seem real quite yet but we are getting used to the thought more and more each day.
How we found out
I came off the pill in December 2019. We didn’t want to start trying for a family straight away, instead I wanted to give my body a chance to ‘sort itself out‘. I have been on the pill for 10 years so I didn’t know how long it will take for the hormones to go back to normal, for me start ovulating etc.
In April, when we were well and truly in lock down, my period was a few days late. I thought it may be due to the fact that I wasn’t moving as much (from the sofa to the fridge doesn’t really count) so maybe that was the reason I was late. I bought a pregnancy test to be on the safe side. While we were waiting for it to develop (longest 3 mins of my life!), Axl and I looked at each other and thought ‘What if we are? Is it too soon? Are we already? Do we really want this?‘… We checked on the test and it was negative. There was this huge sigh of relief and also a bitter sadness. I looked at him and got teary. I admitted I was a bit disappointed it was negative, he said ‘I know, me too‘ and right then, I realised we wanted this. We really wanted a kid. Two days later, my period came.
Roll on to next month and my period was late again. I told him I’ll do a test and he was like ‘Here we go again… you know you’re probably just late like last month‘. I hate not knowing so I just did the damn test. We waited for 3 mins again, I marched him off to check on it and … and there it was, the faintest little line. Was that a positive?
You can see the faintest of little lines going across and that was enough to send me into panic. Shit, I thought. I am pregnant… I think. Axl was adamant that it’s a negative so we decided to wait for a week either for my period to come or I was going to do another test.
If you know me then you’ll know that patience is not one of my virtues so 3 days later ya girl went to the shop again and got another test. This time I opted for a digital one. I thought, a digital test would be more conclusive, it would either say pregnant or not pregnant and there will be no room for ambiguity.
I took the test and within seconds I saw this.
Axl didn’t know I have taken the test so I just walked backed in the bedroom quietly.
As I stared at this little piece of plastic, I could feel my life changing forever. Physically, I didn’t feel any different but mentally, I knew everything just changed.
I was scared, so I did the only rational thing - I hid and cried. It was such a mix of emotions. Sure we wanted a child, we talked about it so many times. Yet, I was devastated as I could feel I immediately started to mourn the life I had. The freedom to travel, pursue a career and explore my hobbies. And were we actually ready? Mentally? Emotionally? Financially? What if he wasn’t ready and felt pressured into this? What if he would end up resenting me for rushing into having a kid? What if this is the worst decision we’ve ever made?
I walked into the living room where he was working and through snot and tears announced in the most mournful voice ever ‘I am pregnant‘. I explained that I took the digital test and it was without a shadow of doubt 100% positive. I waited for the blood to drain out of his face and for fear to appear. Instead, my loving husband stood up, gave me one of his big warm bear hugs and excitedly said ‘You’re pregnant? We’re having a baby?‘.
I told him how I felt and what I feared and he couldn’t have been any more loving and caring and quick to dismiss my fears.
He really put my mind at ease. We’re really doing this. I was still scared and anxious but at least now I know we’re doing this for real. Maybe my fear earlier was that he’ll fly the coup and I’ll be alone. Now, he is nothing like that. I knew from before we were officially dating that this man will be an amazing, loving, caring father and partner. Instead, that fear was my own insecurity. I’ve had that nightmare for years in fact, that I find myself with a baby and all alone. But no, Axl quickly managed to reassure me that he is going nowhere, we are as ready as we’ll ever be and he is well and truly happy.
That night when we went to bed, he kissed me goodnight and then gently tapped my belly and said goodnight again.
That was on the 27th of May and at the time, I was 4 weeks pregnant.
For the first few weeks after finding out, I didn’t really feel anything. It’s really weird, because you know you’re pregnant but really, you feel no different from last week when you didn’t know you were with child.
In fact I was super eager for the nausea to kick in so, you know, I feel something.
And then week 6 came and the nausea started. Now let me tell you that this is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my adult life. First of all, it’s not a morning sickness it’s an all day event. I wake up feeling queasy, and the feeling doesn’t really go away all fucking day until I go to sleep. I have gone off all foods except for toast with a bit of feta, tic tacs, fruit and water.
Anything else makes me sick. I haven’t had meat or coffee in about 5 weeks now because it just makes me gag. I was sent hurling into the toilet at the smell of chopped raw onions. I feel like a hound dog, I can smell everything and it’s not fucking nice.
I am also so so tired. Thank god I am on furlough so I am not expected to do much but my days are most spent sleeping till 9, then nap at 1pm, maybe another one at 5 and off to bed by 10pm. I am exhausted all the time.
Also my boobs hurt like hell and my skin has gone super irritable. I thought was getting a pregnancy glow instead I have been getting the biggest and juiciest spots in my entire life. All in all, good thing we’re all in quarantine so I can just hide under the duvet all day.
So yeah, the last few months have been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. I am anxious, tired, ill, bloated and spotty but we’re having a baby and I am happier I have ever been.